last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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