I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
