What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
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