Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
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