im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
