i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
