All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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