as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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