Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
