peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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