So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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