you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Randomize