I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Randomize
