apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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