She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
