My sheets look like a crime scene.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
