I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
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