I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
