I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
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