so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
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