my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
