My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
