Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
