I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
