If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
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i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
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Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
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