I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
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cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
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HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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