So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
im getting my college education on yahoo answers.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
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