I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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