Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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