she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
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