sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
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