the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
