I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
