Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
