No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Randomize
