maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
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