I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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