I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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