This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
