I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
