I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
