I want to have your abortion
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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