I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
