i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
