I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Randomize
