Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
