He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
