Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
