My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
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