I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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