If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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