he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
