I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
