those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
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