He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Maybe he injected his testicle?
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
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