the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
