When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
