i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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