Can i not drive my cunt home
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
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he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
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