I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Randomize
