im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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