need another drink. this is the easiest way
Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Randomize
