is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
